THE HIGHLY SENSITIVE CHILD

Link below to article..

Psychology Today Article "The Highly Sensitive Child"

This was therapy for myself...

I wanted to share this article because some children are obnoxious and have parents with poor parenting skills, but you also never know what is going on. Just because a toddler is inconsolably screaming in a public place, doesn't mean they must have parents that usually let them "get their way." A young child that is apprehensive about new activities or doesn't like something that "normal" kids do, may have been properly exposed to a plethora of experiences as a baby/toddler same as the child that "jumps" into any experience was. Just because a toddler throws a tantrum over something that makes them upset, doesn't mean their parents have not been consistent on that particular issue their ENTIRE lives. Let me explain...

It took me awhile to figure out what was going on with the twins, especially one of them. They weren't autistic or on the spectrum by any means, but so many things about them were a little "off" or vastly different, and more difficult, than my experiences with children. I LOVED my other girls as toddlers! Giving boundaries but choices in a scheduled, loving environment makes most toddlers excel. I'm good at that and never had "the terrible 2s or 3s," but here I was finding myself parenting well and consistently with the opposite result...twin babies/toddlers that still threw tantrums, slept terribly, freaked out in new places/with change, screamed in the car, wouldn't let me touch them when upset, and screamed, screamed, screamed so much. I felt like a failure, and honestly embarrassed, a lot.

It turns out there are lists (http://yourkidstable.com/sensory-red-flags/) of these things all over the internet, and I finally had an "aha moment" one day that these characteristics meant something...the walking on their tiptoes, being easily overwhelmed emotionally, covering their ears, not being able to soothe with their own mother holding them, demanding different socks/clothing/shoes because of how they felt, being excessively sensitive to being tired or hungry, peeing their pants during a timeout, the "diaper dance" they did as infants (rubbing their backs on the carpet like a dog), shaking their heads because they liked the sensation, waking up crying still at 3 years old, and the list goes on. For whatever reason, their senses are heightened or, at least, more easily overwhelmed. Understanding this has helped me not to commit child abuse (just kidding, but you know what I mean ;) ). And if you did abuse them, they would be the children that would just scream and tantrum more; it's like they are the Hulk and get louder the more overwhelmed/mad they are. They have gotten better about letting us help them calm down and pick them up when they are upset, as we have learned to have excessive patience and show them we understand the "real" (real to them) problems. We have learned that it helps to feed them breakfast the very minute they wake up. We have learned that their consequences for poor behavior (not the sensory ones, other things like pulling out their sister's hair) have to be dealt with with the utmost calmness, because a timeout can easily overwhelm them into a tailspin of a literal 2 hour inconsolable fit. We have learned that an afternoon watching excessive TV while cuddling with Mom is sometimes what they need. They aren't trying to be jerks; they aren't spoiled; they aren't "let to have their way." They and, not uncommonly, some children are what is called "highly sensitive" or may even have a sensory disorder, and parenting in a way that better suits their needs is not going to make them "soft and incapable." It will hopefully help them to learn to cope so they don't carry behavioral problems or emotional wounds into adulthood.

So when you see a mom "ignoring" a child freaking out in her cart at the store, maybe it's because that child can't handle the lights, bustle and noise. Maybe that child will not calm down or may even get worse when their mother tries to pick them up. Maybe that mom knows that taking that child out to the car to teach them that their behavior isn't appropriate is only telling that particular child that their mother doesn't understand why they are screaming, so taking them out of the store will only make them more overwhelmed, making the screaming last longer. Maybe this mom has to buy food for her family, is going as fast as she can, trying as hard as she can to fit this world to her child, but can't always leave this child at home just to go to the grocery store.

I must add that it isn't all "negative." These children also tend to notice and appreciate the tiniest of details. Parenting them can be very rewarding as you help them navigate and earn their trust because you try to understand them. I know a lot of their issues will get better as they get older and already have as they have been able to communicate better. I wish I would have understood sooner. In the process, I will love them anyway and try not to care what other people think.

Okay, I'm done.